Tag Archives: joke

Penguin joke

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Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an

extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well

as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring

throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family

and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their

vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird

to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow”

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

“Then they kick him in the ice hole.”

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!

New Euro English

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’.

In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as Replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

This was funny, to me

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The following, was supposedly sent to all Spanish speaking employees at a company here in the US.  I get the feeling, from the dialect of the words, that this company was probably in Miami somewhere, but I digress.  Here’s the article:

To: All Spanish Employees


Several visitors to our office have brought to our attention that our Spanish-speaking employees commonly use offensive language. Such behavior, in addition to violating firm practices, is highly unprofessional, offensive both to visitors and employees, and will not be tolerated.
Therefore, we have decided to implement a series of rules in our office and would expect them to be applied. It is expected that All employees immediately adhere to these rules:

1- Words like coño, carajo and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion may get.

2- Non important matters should not be addressed to as pendejadas.

3- You will not say la cagó when someone makes a mistake, or se cagó en su madre if you see someone being reprimanded All forms and derivatives of the word cagar are inappropriate in our environment.

4- Lack of determination will not be referred to as falta de cojones or mariconerías, nor will a person with lack of initiative be referred to as pendejo, mamao or comemierda.

5- No Manager or Supervisor, under any circumstances, will be referred to as hijo de puta, ese cabrón, or ese maricón.

6- When a good proposal is presented, the term está de pinga must not be used.

7- Unusual or creative brainstorming meetings will not be referred to as pajas mentales.

8- Do not say cómo jode if a person is persistent or se jodió if somebody is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you must not say qué jodienda, or esto está del coño when matters become complicated in your line of work.

9- When asking someone to leave you alone, you should not say vete pa’l carajo, nor will you substitute: ¿qué carajo quieres? for “may I help you?”

10- When leaving the office, using the term me voy pa’l carajo is not proper.

11- When any office equipment fails, it must be reported as “it broke down”,not se descojonó, or se jodió la mierda esta.

Last but not least, after reading this memorandum, please do not say me voy a limpiar el culo con esto. Just keep it clean and file properly.

Thank you for your cooperation.